just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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