Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just forgot I was standing up.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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