My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
