well I can't set my house on fire every night
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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