When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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