my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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