My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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