my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
