So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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