u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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