matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Sorry my hands just texted you
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
