The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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