before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
