there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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