You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
