New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
