You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
