I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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