I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
