I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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