You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
accomplished twins. life is a go
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
