So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
