i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
