And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
