Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
