I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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