so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can't put those talents on a resume
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
