I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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