you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
