My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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