a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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