she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
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It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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