its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
