This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
