he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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