Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
