I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
