No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
