I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
