so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
