Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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