remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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