everyone is single if you try hard enough
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This baby is an asshole
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
