Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
