I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
