I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
