I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My feet surprised me
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