Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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