Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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