you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
