careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
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I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
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Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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