i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
