You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
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My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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