So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
