It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
