Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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