Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
