new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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