Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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