Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
